TL, DR – I’m freaking out, but I’m still going.
I’m 20 days out until we leave for Mexico. I’ve been making my packing list, ordering things on Amazon and trying to get this website finished. At this point, I have the entire site done, with the exception of the HSCT page. I want to give as many facts as possible on this site. On the Multiple Sclerosis page on this site, I use Wikipedia and the National MS Society as references. When I went to Wikipedia, the data on HSCT seems quite antiquated. Or is it? Am I making a huge mistake? I started having a major panic attack. I mean, like, put your head between your knees and take deep breaths, kind of panic attack! Seriously! In general, I am not what you would call a risk taker. Going to Mexico for a stem cell transplant is waaay out of my wheelhouse for a number of reasons. I’m not backing out or anything, but this is scary and I am scared! There are just so many questions. I’m not a huge fan of social media, however, I am involved with a few online groups surrounding HSCT and, more specifically, HSCT in Mexico. I’m not the only one that is scared. The positive with social media, is that you can voice these fears and a host of people that have been there already respond with how wonderful the care is and the experience and how you make new friends etc, etc. OK, that’s great. What about when I get home? Am I going to be one of those that jumps right back on the horse and does wonderful, or will I be one of the ones that gets sick at every turn for the next 18 months? Two years? I hate the unknown! Then, the biggest fear – What If It Doesn’t Work? We will have spent all that money and for what?! A pipe dream? Would it mean that I failed? How/why can’t I just have some control over this body?! I wanted to try to be as healthy as I could be before leaving for Mexico and honestly, I feel that I’m worse than I have ever been. My mom always tells me that you can’t put this type of negativity out to the universe. I can’t help it! These thoughts just creep in at night, when I should be sleeping but I’m panicking. What if it doesn’t work? Of course, the flip side is, what if it does? Or, as my mom says, IT WILL WORK! No pressure….
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I’m cheering for you all the way! I love you so much. You are brave and strong and I am proud.
You got this! White light shines around you all day and night. You are so blessed . And if you forget, just ask your hubby, Kenny!!❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you! I’ll think about the light, but not like ‘GO to the light.’ LOL!
Thanks mom!
I’ve been praying for you since you shared this with me a couple of weeks ago. I’m praying God will go before you and make the path straight and give you peace beyond your understanding . Lean on Him and trust him! He knows your body and loves you so! ?
Thanks Linda!
Just read your first post, and now you’re on your way. Many BLESSINGS and prayers. ❤?????
Thanks Gayle!
As always, I am in awe of your strength, even when accompanied by fear. I know it’s been a while since you have been able to have faith in your body, but know that it can do amazing things. Unfortunately, there are unknowns, but know that you are surrounded by prayers, love, and positive thoughts/energy. When you have doubts, trust that we will have faith in the process for you.
Thanks Beth!